How to Give Relationship Advice that People Will Actually Take

By Marcus Neo

One of the girls I used to date in Tokyo said to me: "Marcus, you aren't really good at lying you know." I simply laughed it off. I guess being bluntly honest is one of my charms.

One of the cornerstone of my dating advice site is based on authenticity. It's the bedrock of how I approached my dating life in the last half of decade. I prided myself on being blunt for years. I would dish out the cold hard truth to everyone that came my way, friends or family, if that meant a strict no or harsh opinion, I would simply blurt it out.

However, being overly direct, blunt and honest can work against you. Yes, honesty is authentic and polarizing, however, it's NOT about being bluntly honest, it's about being honest without being a jerk.

How to Give Advice That People will Actually Take

Overweight people know that they should work out and eat less, but they don't. Single people know that they should go out and meet more people, but they don't. People that want to start their own business know they should pick up entrepreneurial skillsets, but they don't.

This is why year after year, people lose money in the stock market, stay overweight, stay in dysfunctional relationships and repeat a host of other problems. I used to go on long rants when someone says gold is a better investment than stocks and pointed them to books, statistics and research.

So why the behavioral gap?

Through the years, I realize that most people are actually looking for emotional support as to why they are facing certain problems. They aren't actually looking for actionable advice. He or she may be just looking for someone to listen to them.

These days, I rarely give out advice unless he or she has invested in it, whether be it through time or money. Honesty is too expensive of a gift. If honesty is a completely expensive gift from yourself, why bother giving it out for free?

Shouldn't friends be able to give honest advice to each other? Isn't that the building block of a meaningful friendship? However, reality often pans out otherwise. You may be well meaning. However, not everyone desires advice or open feedback. You may feel tempted to dish out advice amongst your friends, especially with something you are good at.

However, unless asked earnestly, think twice. If someone doesn't actively ask you or pay you for advice, he's not going to listen or to take action on it. You're making a mistake by bluntly dishing it out. Information is not enough.

So what constitutes great advice that doesn't make you come off like an asshole?

• Soften Your Advice First

In certain cultures, you need to be empathetic in your interactions. This is especially true in Asian culture, you need to be sensitive about what you're talking about. MY version of being a good friend was giving the best advice that would help them. That simply means blunt honest advice.

In some cultures, if you stick your head out too much, you may be socially punished. Hence you aren't incentivized to speak out or give direct advice for the fear of social ostracization.

Let's take my home country Singapore for example, she may be the most Westernized Asian society, however culturally, her culture is still grounded in collectivistic values. Tolerance is highly valued as opposed to confrontation. Tolerance is a good value in itself, however, I'll argue that there for any healthy relationship, you'll require certain degree of confrontation.

There were many instances where I made someone (usually a girl) tear up because I said something blunt. In my eyes, I was doing them a huge favor by being bluntly honest. However, to them, I was seen as an asshole.

For example, if a friend comes sobbing to me about some guy that broke her heart. Instead of blurting out:

"You aren't setting any boundaries in your relationships. You need to ask yourself why you behaved in that manner and what made you attracted to someone of those negative personality traits."

You can say:

"I'm sorry for your loss. I'm sure you'll find someone better."

I know I know, that's politically correct advice. I don't agree with it. However, it is low risk for you and your friend. Nobody gets hurt. You avoid ruining the friendship at the expense of good intentions. If they respond and tell you: come on Marcus, tell me truthfully, I need to know what to do. That's when you can be a little more direct in your advice.

Ultimately, if you're going give truly good advice, you got to be prepared to ruffle a few feathers.

• Good advice is also specific advice

Good advice is also specific advice. Have you ever wondered why politicians rely on hyperbole, instead of specific words, theories or explanations in their political speeches? That's because they need to appease the masses. However, if you're looking to give out good advice. It needs to be specific.

You can point to research, evidence and the details. However, you need to be empathetic and patient. You can't just force statistics down someone's throat: The art of giving good advice shouldn't involve you forcing your worldviews on someone else. You can say: 'The research points to X conclusion and that is a great place to start.'

Closing Thoughts

Ultimately, listening is better than dishing out cold hard advice. I used to go on angry rants when I see someone fucking up their relationship, making repeated mistakes such as going back to that ex that ruined them. However, I realized that the majority aren't looking for actionable advice. If they aren't. The better thing to do is to just listen, and be their friend.

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